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To have a healthy relationship, start with yourself

watch Francesca's video today on her take on validation by checking out the latest video at www.rightsidewire.com

Validation

Developing Healthy Relationships begins with you! Validating Yourself

Make sure to visit my new website www.talkwithfrancesca.com

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  Eleanor Roosevelt
Imagine that you are in a store where all the expensive stuff is priced low, and the inexpensive stuff is priced high.  You would say, “This doesn’t look right.”

The better we feel about ourselves, the less likely someone’s opinion of us is of any real importance.  Of course we all want validation, but the real validation comes from within.

 But let’s be real, do you know anyone that is indifferent to either praise or a sneer?   We are ultimately in control of how we feel.  But as sure is the sun will come up each day, I believe that we are affected by others. It is to the degree that this matters.   People need people to be in relation to one another.  This is how we check in with ourselves.  That’s a good thing.  

Don’t we all want to be acknowledged, understood, and approved of?  The key is if you can love yourself and be happy with who you are, this will sustain you, particularly when you are disregarded.  It’s not easy.   It is a necessity to learn how we can overcome being jolted or worse, devastated when we don’t get the feedback and love that we want.

 In the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy had a dilemma.  She wanted to go home but she wasn’t given accurate information.  The munchkins told her that the wizard would solve all her problems.  When she asked how she would find the wizard, they told her to follow the yellow brick road. 

Were you ever influenced by someone who led you to believe that if you followed the yellow brick road you would be home?   When we are young, we needed validation and approval.  In fact, we could barely survive without it.  It is difficult road for a child that doesn’t feel that validation.  But as we grew up, hopefully we learned that we must validate ourselves.  All too often, this isn’t what is taught and learned and as a result, the search for validation from others leads to  decreased self-esteem. What’s worse, the more we search for it, the less validated we feel because it is too difficult for most to take on that responsibility for any real length of time.  It’s like building castles in the sand.  Even those that are particularly patient grow weary over time because it begins to take away from themselves.  When a relationship is based on need rather than authentic love it eventually deteriorates.  What’s worse is when you don’t feel good enough on your own, you are going to attract others that feel inferior as well.  It’s not uncommon for those relationships to fall apart and then it becomes a cycle.  You feel badly, you choose badly, the relationship ends badly.

 If this sounds familiar, my recommendation is to create your own self-validation, critique yourself, give yourself the respect you deserve and especially praise yourself when you do something fabulous!  Learn to take a compliment.  The more you love yourself with all your quirks the more people will appreciate you for your uniqueness. Take responsibility for yourself.   Appreciate what others offer you, but know we all have different qualities, and people come from their own frame of reference.  It’s human to project.   If we don’t have a good sense of ourselves,  we are treading on a dangerous path.  Someone is bound to project onto us.

 I strongly encourage you to create your own sense of worth. This is not an easy road.  It is a definitely the only route to take.  Any other route is just a detour.  So why make the journey longer than it needs to be?

Today I challenge you to think about how you can find traction along your route to self-validation.

 Always remember this, be patient with yourself.  Change happens slowly, then all at once.

Ever heard anyone say on their deathbed "I wish I had gone to another meeting?"

 As a lifestyle and relationship coach, One of the biggest complaints from my clients is there is a lack of fun in their lives.   When was the last time you brought some good old-fashioned fun into your life?  Perspective is everything. So many of us viewed the snowstorms this winter as just another hassle.  It wasn't easy to see all that snow piling up but it seems to me, someone decided that there was only one thing to do with it....would you agree that someone knows how to have a good time?                                                                                           

Don't forget to Spring forward tonight-we made it through another winter!

What Drug is Charlie Sheen on? "The Charlie Sheen Drug"

Hey Charlie, When will you know you have arrived, when you get your sitcom back?  Think again.  If that were the case then you wouldn’t have screwed the show up in the first place.  Why did you let this happen?  Why don’t you tell us what you really think of yourself rather than beating up everyone around you?  By the way, when you are abusing others, you are abusing yourself.  What is missing in you that you needed to destroy the biggest success in your life? It seems to me that you feel so bad about yourself that you have a self-fulfilling prophecy to let the whole world you are just that, really bad.  Why do you want to hurt yourself and others so much?  You may be mad, damn mad but you aren’t the victim here.  Not in this case anyway.  Maybe you were at some other time in your life, hence, so you feel a need to victimize everyone else, but not this time.  You behaved horrendously; an offensive rant against your producer got you what you deserved.  You’re not indispensable.  No one is.  You are letting your ego dig you a very deep hole here.

 Happy people don’t do drugs to elevate their moods.  They are naturally joyful.  They don’t hurt people because they realize that we are all connected and that although our journeys may be different, we have a respect for one another’s individual paths and don’t harass, hurt or abuse them.  Abusive people like yourself are anything but happy; you are acting out to get attention.  Screaming for it, in fact.

Charlie Sheen may be a media phenomenon at the moment but at what price? The “I can’t look but then again, I can’t look away” mentality is what contributes to the downfall of our society.  Why would we want to watch him self-destruct?

 These are the questions I wish someone would ask him if he is not “well” enough to seek help.  Why can’t he stay straight?  What does he loath about himself?  If he won’t deal with AA or those that love him, who is willing to stick their necks out to point the hurt and sad little boy in the right direction?  AA teaches that there is a higher power; surely he doesn’t believe he is the higher power.  He knows exactly what he is doing.  He is demanding attention and he’s getting it.  That is power.

  Is our society so sick that we need to watch such a sick man for entertainment?  His father is right, he is ill just as though he had cancer, so treat it the same.  If a man had cancer, would the details of the growth be all over the news for entertainment?  I think not.   If he can’t or won’t grow up, shouldn’t we, the healthier ones do our part not to contribute to this crap?   Every time we watch and listen to Charlie Sheen we are enabling his behavior that is clearly toxic.  But why and for who’s benefit?

He’s a troubled man.  Period.  He may have gone from star to meme, but there is a sad man inside. He’s clearly intent on destroying himself.  That is the real core issue.  Hopefully, America’s appetite for excess isn’t endless.  There are limits even for celebrities.  Hopefully the rest of Hollywood will treat him like a narcissist and addict should be treated; simply do not enable his behavior.   Just like when a dog begs for food at dinner, you don’t even look at the dog.

What is so damn sad is that he has so much money that he has the luxury of getting the best care. 

If we are not part of the solution, than we are part of the problem.  What the media is doing for him is giving him permission to behave badly while condoning it.   I’m hoping people will get bored fast.

He keeps talking about winning.  Winning what?  He’s lost his kids and his mind.  He’ll accept a wink from any bimbo that will give it to him.  Anyone that will pay attention to him gets to move in and spend his money.  If any of these women really cared about him they would file a report if for no other reason than to get him help.  If he’s abusive to women, he will be abusive to his children. 

 Charlie Sheen is plain and simply out of control.  He’s glorifying drug use.   I would guess that his cavalier attitude isn’t going to be welcome for long. 

It’s a sad, sad story.

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The Invitation is Just for Today - Coming Home to You

My lunch is in the washing machine and my clothes are in the refrigerator. 

Life moves fast.  These days the way we keep in tenuous touch is with facebook and twitter feeds.  Being fully present seems to be a celestial thought.  Well, consider this.

If we could just allow ourselves to slow down enough to the beat of our hearts rather than the beats of the business meeting, we might just find an authentic connection both with ourselves and others.

Just for today, I invite you to slow down….be a witness to your breathing and  be present in all your interactions.

Just for today, I invite you to ,whatever your beliefs are or have faith in, take the time to meditate, pray, be quiet, to come home to you.

Just for today, I invite you to put aside what you are going to say before the person you are communicating with finishes their last sentence.

Just for today, I invite you to stamp out memories that could confuse the present moment.   

We are not losing time when we take the time.  We are gaining valuable insights into ourselves and those we love.  Being fully present allows us to empathize with another.  Being fully present allows us to put aside judgments.  It allows us to put aside control and bring our heart, mind and body into the moment. 

Inspired.  Good. Please confirm your attendance for today.

  

If you would like to receive my Monthly Newsletter, "Talk with Francesca", please click  coachforrelationships@gmail.com and type in the subject line “Talk with Francesca”

Do You Have a Psychic Vampire in Your Life?-Developing a Healthy Relationship with you

You know them, and they know you.  That’s right. Psychic vampires.  They know where you live.  They know you live by the rules of being nice, offering a helping hand, having compassion and they take full advantage of it.  They sneak in quietly and SUCK THE ENERGY RIGHT OUT OF YOU.   Because they know they can.  They know that your boundaries are weak and they can cross the line.  And even if you get mad, they know that they can come back, do it again and you will let them back in.

 They take all your “energy juice” leaving you dehydrated, disoriented and even sick.  Exhausted.

 Do you know one?  If you do, ask yourself this.  Why do you spend any time at all with this person?  Because it’s a friend, relative, or partner?  Not a good answer. 

For your information, no is a complete sentence.   Here’s a spine-tingling thought. Say no to someone you always say yes to.  See how it feels.  How do you feel now?  Afraid?  Ask yourself why.  Confront the fear if that’s what it is.    No reason for guilt.  It’s a useless emotion unless you have done something that you know is dead wrong. 

  Staying away from people who rob you of your energy is not wrong.  In fact, it’s humanitarian.   Why pretend that the behavior is OK?  Who are you serving?  Ask yourself this; does it serve you to let others take your energy when you could be doing something fabulous with it?  Removing yourself from the vampire tells the him/her that the behavior is not acceptable and is giving the person a chance to step up to the line.  

Inspired?  Good. Now fasten your seatbelt and get going.   E-mail me because I want to know what you are doing with all that energy now that  the psychic vampire has been given walking papers. 

"Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it." - Author Unknown

Monday Morning Talk with Francesca

  Listen to Francesca every Monday Morning on WXBR 1460am Radio Boston

Sleeping with your dog-Watch MYTV 9 Sunday, March 5th 9:30am Perspective TV

24 Hour Crash Course…Five Steps to Dealing with A Slap in the Face

He is most powerful who has power over himself…Seneca

You’ve been here.  Life is going along just great and then in a matter of minutes the phone rings and you’ve been rejected.   You heard right.   Shocking news. You don’t believe it.  Feels like a slap in the face.

 You got a visual?  Good.

When we feel rejection, it can seem like it’s all about us; but most of the time, it isn’t about us at all.  Doesn’t matter.  You immediately feel that grip in your belly and you can actually feel the facial muscles drop.  You feel like nothing is going right in your life; you feel criticized, judged, can’t decide if you are sad or mad.  Doesn’t matter, you feel like crap.  Your feelings of worth are shaken. Here comes the downward spiral.   The self-talk starts getting out of control. 

Years ago I worked for a company that sold.  I was in crisis.  I was making a six- figure income and I couldn’t imagine working for the new owner. I tried but the hours were getting longer and the pay shorter.  I knew where things were headed.  It seemed so unfair.  All I wanted to do was complain about the bad deal I was just dealt.  A friend simply said to me, “You are putting your energy in the wrong place.  You are wasting valuable, precious time. “  It was a turning point for me.  How would I make it on my own?  I could either crash or deal with it.  I left the company and started my own business.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.   And, I never looked back.

Let me tell you this.  Life is ever changing.  Nothing stays the same.  If we go through life gripping at what we have, pretending that we have control over unforeseen circumstances, we will be forever disappointed.  We absolutely have control over how we deal with a situation.  We can either respond or react.  We don’t know when a tough break  might come, but it’s our attitude that determines if we look at a setback as a catastrophe or as an opportunity for growth.  Boy did I grow! Whenever I start feeling like things aren’t going in the direction I expect, I remember that time in my life and how I rode that wave instead of choosing to drown.

  Here’s my 5-step plan:

Step 1-Give yourself a full day to whine, complain to anyone who will enable you, eat junk, refuse to be nice to yourself and fully engage in licking your wounds.  You are entitled, after all, to treat yourself anyway you like.  I like to sing in my head, “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” by Lesley Gore. It actually begins to make me laugh(always a good thing when you need a lift) It immediately begins to shift my feelings.  You have now given yourself adequate time to feel. 

Step 2

At the end of the day, tell yourself “Tomorrow is a new day; it’s got to be better than today”.  Seems like a no-brainer but in the heat of the crisis, we forget. By saying this, it already starts to feel less catastrophic. A cellular change actually happens when we shift our thinking.

Step 3-Next Day - Get up.  Take a deep, deep breath.  Take 10 minutes to write your thoughts down in a journal.  Remind yourself of five things that are fabulous about you. I mean it.  Don’t move on to the next assignment until you do.   Now,  write ten things that you are grateful for.  Make time to work out whether it’s going to the gym or taking  a 45 minute walk with your dog(nature is a wonderful healer) and then thank yourself for taking care of you. It is a scientific fact(no news here) that exercise is a huge stress reliever.  Yoga is also an awesome option.  I got certified several years back and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. Although I don’t teach yoga any longer, I love to take a yoga class, particularly when I need to self-soothe.

Step 4-I am a big believer in the Laws of Attraction.  While exercising, question why this happened and what good could come of it.  Really.  What is it that you can take away from this?  How can I grow from this?

Step 5- Listen to your self-talk.  What are you saying to yourself? If you need to shift it, do so immediately.  It will not serve you in any way if you speak negatively to yourself or serve you to internalize a lasting sense of failure.

Life is full of ups and downs.  This is no news to you.  I am not minimizing your feelings.   But how we ride the roller coaster is totally our choice.  Really.  Some of us know this.  If you didn’t know this, you do now.  Believe me.  We are in charge of where we go.   How you get there is up to you.  Take the challenge. Change your attitude.  You’ll be thrilled you did.

Are you "deleting" your future spouse?

Today I was commentating for Perspective TV  in New Haven and one of the topics was “When you are looking for a mate, do you  choose  “up” or “down”?  I was struck by what I thought was an absurd question to begin with.  First of all, people are not up or down.  People are people.  Period.  We are all different.  We all have strengths and we have weaknesses.  People are not above us or below us.  Ridiculous.  But the panel chimed on.  It was annoying.  And there I was totally virtuous with my comments; meanwhile, it occurs to me on the way home that I play judge all the time.  Yup! “ I like her, she’s savvy”, “I don’t like him, he doesn’t know what he’s doing”.  And I realize that I do that a lot.  I don’t mean anything by it; it’s just what we as human beings do.  We judge.  We decide. ….quickly.   You are deciding right now whether I know what I am talking about.  Well, as a matter of fact, I think I do.  But that ‘s me.  And my husband thinks so too. Phew! 

What does this having to do with relationships?  Everything…..because we are so quick to judge that unless someone has the “qualities “ we think that they should  have to meet our criteria to be with them, we are quick to  press the “delete” button  STOP THAT!!!!  What if you left  after a first date and felt it only went “so, so”?

Would it really be a big deal to give the person a second chance? Don’t have another night to waste?   Think again. People all want love.   If you go on that second date you just might find that you didn’t waste your time at all,  but just maybe the person was a little shy or even better, maybe awestruck by you and didn’t say all the right things. 

Good thing you didn’t judge that second date.  It may just be your future spouse.

I have attached a poem that I think might be a nice guideline for “choosing” a partner.  There is no up or down here, just authentic and real.

HERE WE "GROW"

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.  I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.  It doesn't interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.  I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mind or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.  I want to know if you can be with joy, mine and your own; if you can dance with the wilderness and let the ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be carerful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.   It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true, I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.  I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.  I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday, and if you can live your life on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon.

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.  I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done.  It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.  I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.  It doesn't interest where or what or with whom you have studied.  I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.  I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. Author Unknown

THE SELF-LOVE CHALLENGE

 

"Full Of Love" Art by Francesca Bastarache

 You live with yourself 24/7, so my question to you is....Do you love yourself?  Are you your best friend?  If not, why?  Here's a quick little test to see if care about yourself as much as the people around you that "you love".  

1. Do you know who you are(really) and what your ideal life looks like?  This is extremely important because you can't love someone you don't know, right?  To love yourself, is to be intimate with oneself.  You refuse to settle for anything short of your dreams.
2. Are your friends, partner, and family your best supporters?  Do they want the best for you ALWAYS(not just when it works for them). This is a tough one because it requires that you have clear boundaries and tell it like it is.  Do you love yourself SOOOOOO MUCH that the people you are closest to give you respect, unconditional love and truth?  If not, you make "friendshifts" when necessary because you know that energy leaks are something you can't afford.  When you do this you know that it clears the deck for more positive relationships.
3. Do you love your body NO MATTER WHAT?(I suggest yoga if not).  It's crazy how we would never think of telling someone that we love that they look bad, are overweight, etc. but it's amazing that it can be hard work for us to shut down that critical, overcontrolling voice.  Is the inner critic put in it's place when need be?
4. Are you kind to yourself?  REALLY, ARE YOU KIND TO YOURSELF????  Sometimes we can be really, really, really mean to ourselves...overly critical, judgmental, etc.  Do you think of yourself as very special and deserving of love and kindness?  Isn't that how you treat everyone else?
5. Do you take time out for yourself to self-soothe, pamper or just plain do nothing when needed? Do you have something in particular that you like to do when you are not feeling 100% and just need to take care of you?  This is so important because it can quickly reframe where we are.  For myself, I paint.  E-mail me and tell me how you did!

WHAT A TRUE AND COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IS ALL ABOUT

franck has left a new comment on your post "Valentine's Day": 

Valentine's Day exist not because it is a big deal. It exists because love is dead and we are desperately trying to find it in rose buds and wrapped chocolates.
I mean, if it has come to the point where we need to be reminded or instructed to show love, serve breakfast in bed or learn to kiss affectionately and timely, then it is time to start a new or different discussion about love and relationship. If it has come to the point where a time is set in February when we are reminded or totted by radio jingles and dubious marketing strategies that force us to miserably stand in line to bring home dead flowers and made in China chocolates, then it is time to rethink love and relationship. Maybe it is time to get out of the relationship and become paid whores or Gigolos. At least, that way we treat the whole thing as real business; where the players respect each other or risk losing a customer.
You see, true love or committed relationship does not need to be treated like a plant. True love does not need tending. True love behaves like the Sunshine. The plants below do not need to give the sun gifts or bribes in order to spread sunshine. The sun wakes each day and spreads warm sunshine. Now, that is REAL & PERPECTUAL VALENTINE!! If you cannot do that, then do not promise love or commitment. 

Don't stop the love because Valentine's Day is over

Those who are most happy with their relationships know that every day is Valentine's Day!  The most beautiful gift you can give every day is inside of you.  It is your imagination and spirit that creates the ongoing romance.  Connecting deeply is what keeps the fires burning and you can't find it out there anywhere...it's inside of you!  We get so busy "doing" all the time that we forget too easily about our significant other.  It's important to be intentional about having fun together.  Use your imagination.  If you were to remember the times that you felt closest to your partner it is most likely doing something together.  You don't need a special holiday like Valentine's Day to create the magic.  Do it today.  Go ahead, design your time together.

Valentine's Day

Guys, if Valentine's Day wasn't a big deal, then it wouldn't exist, right?  So if you want to stop any "energy leaks" from your relationship, do something, anything for your sweetheart.   Guess what? When you deliberately go out of your way to show your love, it's a big deal.  Just like plants that need tending to, so does your relationship.  Doesn't have to be red roses, how about cooking your sweetheart dinner or bringing her breakfast in bed or if you don't usually bring her coffee, do it today.....hmm  Now, Ladies your turn.........how about finding 5 wonderful things about your sweetheart today and telling him????

Click here to listen to Francesca every Monday morning at 9:30am WXBR 1460am for more tips on relationships.